Hah

21st September came and gone, and I'm officially one year older now. Whoopee!

I really appreciate those who take the trouble to send messages and also celebrate with me in one way or another, and not to mention those who have a knack for getting me presents. I'd post the presents another time though, because I need to take quite a few pictures.

On a different note, I had the chance to indulge in quite a bit of heavy thinking during the last few days.

My trials had concluded about a week ago, and the dismal results that greeted me didn't make me too happy. It was too be expected of course, since I practically didn't study or prepare for the exam.. I was at one point angry and upset because I obviously could have done so much better if I only had spent more time revising. But NO. Now that I think about it, I've never revised my studies at all for the almost the entire year, and honestly I am baffled as to how I've lost track of my studying techniques that helped me to ace my SPM. This year so far had been a struggle because I was waiting for my 'drive' to kick in, because for SPM I just had this sort of semangat to study almost everyday. Waiting for that semangat to come, I've come to waste many precious days. And the reality of things didn't hit me until like two weeks back, when I realised that I'm really in deep trouble. A mountain of topics to revise in a month and a half and on top of that, I'm ALSO in charge of my school's magazine (go figure). Both of them are just as pressing, demanding my attention and time and probably just about as depressing too because they are no where near completion. 'I'm doomed!!!' and 'Die lar this time' just hung around in my head, swirling and twirling and the result was a good bout of flu, sore throat and fever that marred my birthday......shucks.

Analysing my own predicament, I have to say that I'm a pampered boy. Pampered. Really. As in spoiled rotten. And totally raw, with a big capital 'N/A' for many aspects like self-independence, leadership, communication skills, stress management and more importantly; prioritizing.

I suppose that all these years I had been living a calm, protected and fairly constant lifestyle from my humble hometown of Pahang. Having lived 15 years in Kuantan, I must say I wasn't any much better than a hermit. I had an enclosed circle of friends and never learned how to make friends with other people because there was never a need to do so. I never played sports because there was never a need to do so. I never learned how to become a good leader because there was never a need to do so. Life held meaning only during the times when Justin would come back and tell me stories of his life in KL. I was always wowed by his stories because they make my life seem so dull and meaningless.

Play guitar? I wonder how it feels like... Go church camp? I wonder how it feels like... Ah, maybe I'll just stay at home and play some games...

But now I'm faced with challenges that I feel is more that I can bear. I cannot hold it all together, and sometimes I really feel like just letting go some of the things I cannot juggle anymore. I complained to God that I cannot bear the burdens that He has set upon me. I just wanna stop dead in my tracks, and go no further. Why bother, I ask myself. Just give up. Yea.

But the other person in me knows better than to give up just like that, wanting instead to hang on and persevere. To grow and gain from these difficulties. To learn. To CHANGE, is definitely the hardest to do. My old habits die the hardest, and leech on to me like tropical slugs. But the prospect of success is there. It's a faint glimmer f hope that if I can make it through this long, winding and perpetually dark cave, I would come out much, much stronger. And that biblical phrase rings ever truer now:

..do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind...

I guess it could be a good thing that I'm stumbling and falling now, because one day I would surely look back and be glad that I've gone through some valuable experiences. Falling is painful, but at the very least I have the LORD to take up my hand again. The blessings that I had been showered with, I would never be able to thank Him enough and perhaps, like the sheep that had gone astray, I need to learn the important lesson of trusting in the LORD willingly and wholeheartedly.

I found though, that if I looked more at the people around me with troubles of their own, my 'doom and gloom' situation can sometimes look unbelievably less significant. I know one or two friends whom I think are way more hardworking than I could ever be, but still struggle with grades lower than mine. A closer look at their faces could tell that they must've been in great anguish and unhappiness too, probably more so than I could actually imagine. And I would feel more determined to push myself a little bit more..

STPM would determine whether or not I enter uni, my friends always tell me. Of course, if I do not get an offer to any unis, I would honestly be stumped and not know what to do. I would be left behind and while all my friends and relatives are pursuing their degrees and stuff, I'd be left behind doing some odd jobs. Why? Just because I made the wrong choices ...............................................................................................................................................

Personally though, I am more convinced that God would determine where I'm gonna end up in the future. For that reason, I wanna hold on. I wanna hang on. I wanna...go sleep :D Here's a song also, that pretty much summarizes how I feel:


"There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I'd get threw the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past.
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I'd get through the night,
From Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned."

Hah

21st September came and gone, and I'm officially one year older now. Whoopee!

I really appreciate those who take the trouble to send messages and also celebrate with me in one way or another, and not to mention those who have a knack for getting me presents. I'd post the presents another time though, because I need to take quite a few pictures.

On a different note, I had the chance to indulge in quite a bit of heavy thinking during the last few days.

My trials had concluded about a week ago, and the dismal results that greeted me didn't make me too happy. It was too be expected of course, since I practically didn't study or prepare for the exam.. I was at one point angry and upset because I obviously could have done so much better if I only had spent more time revising. But NO. Now that I think about it, I've never revised my studies at all for the almost the entire year, and honestly I am baffled as to how I've lost track of my studying techniques that helped me to ace my SPM. This year so far had been a struggle because I was waiting for my 'drive' to kick in, because for SPM I just had this sort of semangat to study almost everyday. Waiting for that semangat to come, I've come to waste many precious days. And the reality of things didn't hit me until like two weeks back, when I realised that I'm really in deep trouble. A mountain of topics to revise in a month and a half and on top of that, I'm ALSO in charge of my school's magazine (go figure). Both of them are just as pressing, demanding my attention and time and probably just about as depressing too because they are no where near completion. 'I'm doomed!!!' and 'Die lar this time' just hung around in my head, swirling and twirling and the result was a good bout of flu, sore throat and fever that marred my birthday......shucks.

Analysing my own predicament, I have to say that I'm a pampered boy. Pampered. Really. As in spoiled rotten. And totally raw, with a big capital 'N/A' for many aspects like self-independence, leadership, communication skills, stress management and more importantly; prioritizing.

I suppose that all these years I had been living a calm, protected and fairly constant lifestyle from my humble hometown of Pahang. Having lived 15 years in Kuantan, I must say I wasn't any much better than a hermit. I had an enclosed circle of friends and never learned how to make friends with other people because there was never a need to do so. I never played sports because there was never a need to do so. I never learned how to become a good leader because there was never a need to do so. Life held meaning only during the times when Justin would come back and tell me stories of his life in KL. I was always wowed by his stories because they make my life seem so dull and meaningless.

Play guitar? I wonder how it feels like... Go church camp? I wonder how it feels like... Ah, maybe I'll just stay at home and play some games...

But now I'm faced with challenges that I feel is more that I can bear. I cannot hold it all together, and sometimes I really feel like just letting go some of the things I cannot juggle anymore. I complained to God that I cannot bear the burdens that He has set upon me. I just wanna stop dead in my tracks, and go no further. Why bother, I ask myself. Just give up. Yea.

But the other person in me knows better than to give up just like that, wanting instead to hang on and persevere. To grow and gain from these difficulties. To learn. To CHANGE, is definitely the hardest to do. My old habits die the hardest, and leech on to me like tropical slugs. But the prospect of success is there. It's a faint glimmer f hope that if I can make it through this long, winding and perpetually dark cave, I would come out much, much stronger. And that biblical phrase rings ever truer now:

..do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind...

I guess it could be a good thing that I'm stumbling and falling now, because one day I would surely look back and be glad that I've gone through some valuable experiences. Falling is painful, but at the very least I have the LORD to take up my hand again. The blessings that I had been showered with, I would never be able to thank Him enough and perhaps, like the sheep that had gone astray, I need to learn the important lesson of trusting in the LORD willingly and wholeheartedly.

I found though, that if I looked more at the people around me with troubles of their own, my 'doom and gloom' situation can sometimes look unbelievably less significant. I know one or two friends whom I think are way more hardworking than I could ever be, but still struggle with grades lower than mine. A closer look at their faces could tell that they must've been in great anguish and unhappiness too, probably more so than I could actually imagine. And I would feel more determined to push myself a little bit more..

STPM would determine whether or not I enter uni, my friends always tell me. Of course, if I do not get an offer to any unis, I would honestly be stumped and not know what to do. I would be left behind and while all my friends and relatives are pursuing their degrees and stuff, I'd be left behind doing some odd jobs. Why? Just because I made the wrong choices ...............................................................................................................................................

Personally though, I am more convinced that God would determine where I'm gonna end up in the future. For that reason, I wanna hold on. I wanna hang on. I wanna...go sleep :D

The Little CPU That Couldn't

This week marks the demise of the metal box under my table that I used to call my PC.....

Just a few days back, the graphics card failed to start, rendering the monitor pitch black. Efforts to bring the PC back to working condition were hampered by the fact that there were just too many parts failing. In the beginning it was the soundcard. It crashed my PC frequently, but it was something that I could live it. Okay, never mind, still can use right? Then came the USB horror. Wiped out a few flash drives before totally going down. Luckily the damage was minimal, so it's okay. Never mind, still got CD-drive. But now, even the graphics card has surrendered and that was the last straw. What was left for me to do? At best I can only hope that my data is still safe in the hard disk...

[skip the ranting in the following two paragraphs if you have used my pc before or if you're already tired to death listening to me complaint about my PC :D]

For the last 3 years or so that I had been using it, I've certainly done a lot of things with it. Those were the days when I would install ridiculously new computer games hoping that it might at least run on ULTRA-LOW settings with almost every single effect turned off while listening to McFly's Five Colours In Her Hair in the background. The games never made it past the intro screens, of course. Not to mention I've seen some of the most obscure computer errors in the world, so obscure that you'd befuddle even the most tech-savvy of people. "Your PC WHAT? I've never heard before such a thing!" Yea, tell me about it.....

Along the way, I've made good progress in my PC knowledge, no thanks to the barrage of problems and 'something-wrong's that I had to deal with every single day. From a PC-phobic little boy, I can now at least repair my teachers' computers at school and solve most of the common problems encountered in Windows XP. I've also reinstalled XP on my PC so many hundred times that at one point, I actually memorised the CD-key! I'm quite sure not many of you would have the tried doing three reformats of your pc in just one week...

[okay, you can stop skipping now :D]

So yea, the loss of my dear PC which has been with me through numerous thicks and thins is indeed a very heart-breaking tragedy. The upside though, is that I've finally managed to move on and I am now the proud owner of an Acer lappy! (laptop, in case you're wondering)

I installed this just to test my lappy's performance...And also play a bit la :D

Design-wise, it might not suit everyone's liking (especially since Justin said it was 'not nice') but hey, I like it, so that settles everything. This baby is also much more powerful than my old PC and packs a punch when it comes to doing heavy-duty stuff like video-editing and even high-end gaming! The lappy also couldn't have come at a better time as the PC's USB died exactly on the day that I brought the lappy back home. Maybe it's a case of jealousy :D

It's obvious though, that the laptop wasn't a free gift of sorts. The few thousand bucks that my dad had to fork out for it is covered in blood, sweat and tears. And a lot of Natural Petroleum Gas, if you know what I mean..I couldn't be more grateful and I only wished that I had at least worked to cover a portion of the costs instead of just taking it wholesale and not contributing anything. Sigh~

Tight budgets for the next few months aside, I hope I'd be able to use this lappy for at least the next 3 to 4 years and in that time it better prove its worthiness to me :D For now, it's Command and Conquers time! Oh, I mean study time!!

Sub-Post

The reason for the title above is simply because this post would have nothing to do with what I was supposed to blog about (read below)..but I just thought I could take some time to curi tulang from studying :D

Lately, things have not been kind to me I suppose. I had just finished my exams and..the results weren't even close to decent. I haven't actually gotten back the marks but I know better already. I realized that I had not been putting in as much effort as I could, I had been simply been putting important things aside for far too long. This year God has shown me that my current attitudes and the bad choices that I make would only get me into troubles and difficulties. I must admit that the year 2007 is really not quite what I had expected. I guess all my complaining that I had not been experiencing anything eventful since NS has finally gotten God's attention :/

Similar to Christina, just when I thought I had taken another step in my spiritual walk, it only seems too obvious that I hadn't moved an inch at all. It's only too easy to go with the motion and flow with the times. I came, I saw, I learned nothing; that was how things were..

But in the midst of all the difficulties and troubles, I could also see that God is somewhat trying to break me...to bring me further and help me to grow into the Christian that would survive the ups and downs of the real world. If I were to go into adulthood with my current mindset, attitude and character, I know too well that I won't stand a chance at all..

-Do not conform any longer to the patter of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind-

Just what does it take to become a Christian who can please God and 'follow after God's own heart'? To deny ourselves and take up the daily cross? In our society, it's already too embedded that success is a very well-defined thing: education, career, marriage and money. But those things don't get us any nearer to God, and at this point in my life at least, I still cannot imagine myself running after God wholeheartedly and to believe in His word 110% percent like we're supposed to...

-If any of you ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord, he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.-

I pray though, that God would open my eyes to the world around me and make me a better servant, because I want to be of use to the kingdom of God. Right now I'm wretched and broken, but the God who works things out in His good time, who had showered me with blessings undeserved and held back his judgement against a sinner like me; I believe and trust that He would one day see me face to face and say to me "You've come a long way". Until then, I would hold on tightly to God's words of life..

Coming Soon!

Yes, I had been slacking off for a while now (okay, so maybe one month was a bit long) but I'm working hard on pushing for the next post because it's gonna be quite long and would detail major purchases of some stuff that I've always whined about. Wait for it!

Meanwhile, here's an idea of what the next post would be all about :D