Hah

21st September came and gone, and I'm officially one year older now. Whoopee!

I really appreciate those who take the trouble to send messages and also celebrate with me in one way or another, and not to mention those who have a knack for getting me presents. I'd post the presents another time though, because I need to take quite a few pictures.

On a different note, I had the chance to indulge in quite a bit of heavy thinking during the last few days.

My trials had concluded about a week ago, and the dismal results that greeted me didn't make me too happy. It was too be expected of course, since I practically didn't study or prepare for the exam.. I was at one point angry and upset because I obviously could have done so much better if I only had spent more time revising. But NO. Now that I think about it, I've never revised my studies at all for the almost the entire year, and honestly I am baffled as to how I've lost track of my studying techniques that helped me to ace my SPM. This year so far had been a struggle because I was waiting for my 'drive' to kick in, because for SPM I just had this sort of semangat to study almost everyday. Waiting for that semangat to come, I've come to waste many precious days. And the reality of things didn't hit me until like two weeks back, when I realised that I'm really in deep trouble. A mountain of topics to revise in a month and a half and on top of that, I'm ALSO in charge of my school's magazine (go figure). Both of them are just as pressing, demanding my attention and time and probably just about as depressing too because they are no where near completion. 'I'm doomed!!!' and 'Die lar this time' just hung around in my head, swirling and twirling and the result was a good bout of flu, sore throat and fever that marred my birthday......shucks.

Analysing my own predicament, I have to say that I'm a pampered boy. Pampered. Really. As in spoiled rotten. And totally raw, with a big capital 'N/A' for many aspects like self-independence, leadership, communication skills, stress management and more importantly; prioritizing.

I suppose that all these years I had been living a calm, protected and fairly constant lifestyle from my humble hometown of Pahang. Having lived 15 years in Kuantan, I must say I wasn't any much better than a hermit. I had an enclosed circle of friends and never learned how to make friends with other people because there was never a need to do so. I never played sports because there was never a need to do so. I never learned how to become a good leader because there was never a need to do so. Life held meaning only during the times when Justin would come back and tell me stories of his life in KL. I was always wowed by his stories because they make my life seem so dull and meaningless.

Play guitar? I wonder how it feels like... Go church camp? I wonder how it feels like... Ah, maybe I'll just stay at home and play some games...

But now I'm faced with challenges that I feel is more that I can bear. I cannot hold it all together, and sometimes I really feel like just letting go some of the things I cannot juggle anymore. I complained to God that I cannot bear the burdens that He has set upon me. I just wanna stop dead in my tracks, and go no further. Why bother, I ask myself. Just give up. Yea.

But the other person in me knows better than to give up just like that, wanting instead to hang on and persevere. To grow and gain from these difficulties. To learn. To CHANGE, is definitely the hardest to do. My old habits die the hardest, and leech on to me like tropical slugs. But the prospect of success is there. It's a faint glimmer f hope that if I can make it through this long, winding and perpetually dark cave, I would come out much, much stronger. And that biblical phrase rings ever truer now:

..do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind...

I guess it could be a good thing that I'm stumbling and falling now, because one day I would surely look back and be glad that I've gone through some valuable experiences. Falling is painful, but at the very least I have the LORD to take up my hand again. The blessings that I had been showered with, I would never be able to thank Him enough and perhaps, like the sheep that had gone astray, I need to learn the important lesson of trusting in the LORD willingly and wholeheartedly.

I found though, that if I looked more at the people around me with troubles of their own, my 'doom and gloom' situation can sometimes look unbelievably less significant. I know one or two friends whom I think are way more hardworking than I could ever be, but still struggle with grades lower than mine. A closer look at their faces could tell that they must've been in great anguish and unhappiness too, probably more so than I could actually imagine. And I would feel more determined to push myself a little bit more..

STPM would determine whether or not I enter uni, my friends always tell me. Of course, if I do not get an offer to any unis, I would honestly be stumped and not know what to do. I would be left behind and while all my friends and relatives are pursuing their degrees and stuff, I'd be left behind doing some odd jobs. Why? Just because I made the wrong choices ...............................................................................................................................................

Personally though, I am more convinced that God would determine where I'm gonna end up in the future. For that reason, I wanna hold on. I wanna hang on. I wanna...go sleep :D