To Think About It

The dust has finally settled, and by this time every single SPM and STPM soul would have retrieved their respective result slips. Some would be rejoicing in 'surprise', some would be satisfied and still some would be gripping their fists and wallowing in silent bitterness..

When I tore open the punch-holed sides of my piece of gray paper yesterday, I had very clear expectations in mind. 1A and 3Bs, I told myself. I was with my friend, and as he opened his one, he soon became ecstatic and people swooned to congratulate him for his achievement, a straight set of As. I was there, holding my results slip half-opened. It was kinda anti-climatic I suppose, since I was secretly hoping for the impossible, that I might get something closer to the top. Alas, I was greeted by my own expectations. Calculate calculate, my CGPA was 3.085. Just barely enough, for the course that I was eyeing. "Okay, that's great", I said to myself. "Now it's much easier for me to decide what I should be pursuing."

So we went for minum and laughed about it all. Upon getting home however, I just sat there with a somewhat blank mind. After a while, I realised that deep inside I was feeling really horrible, and another friend of mine felt the same way. I didn't do anything, save for printing the list of offered courses for local universities. Other than that, I just didn't know how to deal with that gut-wrenching feeling and the mind-numbing experience. So I plonked myself down on a chair and played some games to while away the time.

Only at night when the effects had worn off a little could I reflect a little bit more on the real issue. While I'm 'happy' in many ways of how things turned out (just like I asked for), the soul-sucking factor came from how I seem to have been wired into the straight-As mould. I passed UPSR, PMR and SPM with more or less the best results that I could've obtained and with that I carried along the notion of just succeeding all the way. I suppose you can say that I don't know what it feels like to not obtain perfect or near-perfect results for major examinations. Sorta like not having 'lost' a battle before. I've never thought of it this way, that the deepest part of my conscience cannot live with not having aced my STPM. It was mentally-draining, but on the good side I believe that this was a serious issue which I had never noticed all along and if I had taken it further (imagine failing at uni) it would've been too overwhelming for my fragile inner-self to bear.

At least, this is roughly what I gleaned from probing my own thoughts from since yesterday. And I just wanna say thanks to NeoHusky and Simmy who took the time to come out for yamcha at night. Really helped to cheer me up. Especially since today is a normal working day..thanks guys!

Now to go through that long list of courses...